Taming the Inner Advice Monster!

Are You an Advice Monster?

Do you find that you are always wanting to give advice? Do you feel that your advice is often ignored and falls on deaf ears, leaving you a bit cross and frustrated? So what is the most successful way to give advice?

This is a subject I started reflecting on this week, after reading a book by Michael Bungay Stanier called The Advice Trap (2020).

Michael talks about 3 types of Advice Monster Personas. These are

1 “Tell-It.” This monster convinces you that the only way to add value to a situation is by being the leading authority, and always having the right answers. It loves hogging the spotlight and explaining,loudly, why its opinion is more important than anybody else’s.

2  “Save-It.” This monster is more subdued, which makes it harder to spot. Although “Save-It" types won’t jump on a soapbox to shout about their ideas,  they’re equally convinced that they hold all the solutions. In addition,  they believe that only they can save the situation, and it’s their moral responsibility to do so.

3 “Control-It”  This monster is quite manipulative. It wants to convince you to keep a tight grip on all things at all times, or risk plunging your world into chaos. It convinces you that others are not to be trusted, so you must bravely take control by yourself.

Can you relate to any of these Inner advice Monsters?

Can you identify any of these traits in yourself?

Who do you know that fits these descriptions?

Have you talked to other people about a personal situation - friends and colleagues - and then have them spout off at you, telling you exactly what to do, without really listening to you properly?

Perhaps they jumped in too soon, and so did not really listen to the full facts? Or perhaps you had a number of your own ideas, which your friend or colleague did not really explore with you, and just talked about their own solution, which did not feel comfortable to you? 

What is the Best Way to Give Advice?

In his book, Michael talked about the best way he felt this should be done. 

It involves stepping back a little, really listening, and asking open ended questions.

For Example

"What`s on Your Mind?"

How does that make you feel?

What else?

What is the real challenge here?

It involves getting a full picture and encouraging the other person to fully think it through.

Careful questions could also lead the other person to start coming up with their own solutions to the problems.

You could ask

"Have you considered.....?"

"What would happen if you.....?"

"Where else could you get some help with this?"

"How would you feel if you...?"

One of the reasons people do not appear to take our advice is the human instinct of Flight or Fight.

The brain is programmed to be on the alert for threats all the time and responds immediately to anything it detects as a possible threat.

In an uncomfortable situation, where someone feels challenged about their own ideas, overwhelmed with "advice" being given, they may start to feel threatened,start being defensive, stop listening, start withdrawing or just say "yes" to everything, to get away. 

In order to take on board new ideas or advice, people need to feel comfortable, safe and unthreatened.

You can do this by being empathetic, showing respect, being an equal partner in solving the problem and managing expectations.

This is also backed up by Peter Boghossian and James A Lindsay in How to have Impossible Conversations (2019).  The authors stated that “Impossible” conversations can be productive when they become collaborative and also People are much more likely to accept “self-generated” ideas than messages delivered by others. They also emphasized the importance of listening and using "open ended" questions. 

To your success!

Kate

How to be a High Achiever Part 1

How to be a High Achiever

Hello!

I was reading an interesting book this week by Zig Ziglar. It is called "How to be a High Achiever", which he wrote in 1975. 

In this book, he wrote about the 6 steps to becoming a high achiever and therefore becoming successful. 

The 6 steps are:

1 Evaluate your self-image2 Improving your relationships.3 Setting goals4 Adopt positive attitude5  Understand that success takes hard work6 A burning desire to excel

So let`s look at the first two steps bit more closely

1 Evaluate your self-image 

Your self image is about how you view yourself. It is a crucial building block for success because it determines how you perform. If you have a poor self image, you are likely to perform very differently than if you have a good self image. Other people will pick up on this, and it will affect how they view you too. 
It is important to remember that your self-image starts and ends with you. Other people can't make you feel bad about yourself unless you allow them to.What other people think about you is none of your business - yet so many people lives their lives, according to what they think other people will think. They are not authentic or true to themselves. 
Improving your self-image isn’t only about taking better care of yourself – it’s also about how you care for others. Spending time helping people who need it creates an immediate sense of satisfaction and can serve as a reminder to feel gratitude. This, in turn, improves the way you see yourself. A good tip is to spend a few minutes each day identifying at least 3 things that you are grateful for - it could be something that has happened that day, it could be something someone said to you, it could be simply being grateful for hearing the birds sing!

2 Improving your relationships.

This is a huge area all by itself! Think about your relationships, that you have right now. Think about your partner, children, other family members, work colleagues, friends etc. Are they all as good as they can be? What can you do to improve them?  

For example, it is so easy to develop a critical mind, and get irritated by the things that a person does or doesn`t do. If it is a partner, try stepping back and focus instead on what attracted you to your partner  in the first place. What are their good points? Make a list and don`t stop until you have at least 10 points.  Think about the early days of a relationship and what you both did together. What did you enjoy? What did you share? What did you laugh about? Perhaps you spent more time together? Perhaps you gave each other quality time together? How can you recreate that? Plan some time together, plan a surprise, get a babysitter in, if necessary. Start talking, start focussing on the other person, start listening to them. 

What about people you spend a lot of time arguing with? It may be work colleagues that you are forced to spend time with, and you feel you do not see eye to eye. American game theorist Anatol Rapoport tried to answer. He came up with a checklist for voicing disagreements, called Rapoport’s Rules. These four rules were systematized by Daniel C. Dennett, a philosopher who regarded them as the “best antidote” to the tendency to caricature other people’s arguments.

 Rule One states that you must attempt to rephrase your partner/colleague’s position in your own words. Do it as clearly and fairly as you can.

You want them to say, “Wow, I wish I’d put it like that.” 

Rule Two says that you must list every point of agreement between you and your conversation partner. 

Rule Three suggests you should tell your partner/colleague what you’ve learned from their argument. 

Rule Four states that you may voice disagreements only after you’ve gone through the previous three rules.

The authors of How to have Impossible Conversations, Peter Boghossian and James A Lindsay (2019) also suggest using so-called minimal encouragers. These are small signals that discreetly inform the speaker you’re listening – things like “Yeah,” “I see,” and “OK.

In addition, mirroring: when your partner says something, simply repeat the last two or three words – but phrase them as a question. So, if they exclaim, “I’m just so sick and tired of people pushing everyone around!” you’d reply, “Pushing everyone around?” The idea is to keep the person talking so they offer more and more information.
The key messages are that: “Impossible” conversations can be productive when they become collaborative., if you want to change someone’s mind, you have to listen to them, and people are much more likely to accept “self-generated” ideas than messages delivered by others

To Your Success !